


Loneliness

by Scarlet_Nin



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Allen is a sad bean, Comfort, Gen, Kanda can't talk about feelings, johnny is a good friend, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:36:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Nin/pseuds/Scarlet_Nin
Summary: Johnny laughs, shoulders shaking and the way he looks at Allen makes it all the worse.“I’m sorry.”What?“We haven’t been much of a help, have we?”Stop…stop talking.“Jumping you like this...no, even before that…”Johnny inches closer on the bed as Allen presses himself back against the wall.“It’s okay, now, Allen. You don’t have to be scared anymore.”No—No, you need to stay away.Johnny throws himself at Allen, warping his arms around the boy and holds on tight.“You don’t have to face this alone. I am here—"





	Loneliness

_„I don’t want you to be here, I don’t want your help, so just leave me alone!”_

Like a child throwing a tantrum, Allen feels the heat in his blood despite the cold terror in the form of sweat drying on his skin. It feels like he’s spilling open. Cracks appearing as they break down like the gate of the Ark, he’s made disappear minutes ago and—

_Johnny laughs, shoulders shaking and the way he looks at Allen makes it all the worse._

_“I’m sorry.”_

**_What?_ **

_“We haven’t been much of a help, have we?”_

**_Stop…stop talking._ **

_“Jumping you like this...no, even before that…”_

_Johnny inches closer on the bed as Allen presses himself back against the wall._

_“It’s okay, now, Allen. You don’t have to be scared anymore.”_

**_No—No, you need to stay away._ **

_Johnny throws himself at Allen, warping his arms around the boy and holds on tight._

_“You don’t have to face this alone. I am here—"_

Breathing is hard. The world is spinning and for once he can’t seem to balance on the ball. He trips, arms splaying out in an attempt to regain his footing as he sways. This time there would be no one to catch him should he fall and the thought fills Allen with more terror.

_Gone…they’re all gone yet they won’t leave!_

Kanda is stubborn. Easy to anger. He should be easy to drive away too.

_So, why are you still here?!_

Allen glares at the sky. He feels the rays of the sun on his face, the white clouds doing nothing to hide the brightness of the sky or the sun and Allen wants to scream. Nothing should have the right to look beautiful when everything is gone, crumbling and he can’t do anything—

So, he does.

_“I know everything!” **Liar.** “But I can’t say it! Why won’t you get it already?!”_

He yells until his throat is raw, jaw clenching with enough force to turn his teeth into dust— _Just like Tim, Tim who is gone, who I left behind—_ but stands his ground. Kanda’s got to understand now, but…he’s…he’s not moving.

_Why is he not moving?!_

All his trouble gets him is a stare down. Soft but firm and the fire in his veins fades until all there’s left is water flowing in his veins. Kanda won’t leave. No matter how hard Allen curses, screams or ignores him. No matter how he acts, Kanda won’t leave.

Allen doesn’t know what to make of it. Wants the lurch of his mind to steady itself, so he can think his way out of this, because Kanda needs to understand he’s being unreasonable. He can’t stay. He would break again, but this time it would be _Allen’s_ fault and it had been a mistake to think he could stay at the Order all along.

He should have known. All he brings is pain, suffering. It doesn’t matter how broken the people are, Allen manages to break them further with a smile alone.

_“You know…I always found it horrible the way you smile, Allen.”_

But he was weak. Selfish. Because Miranda’s hugs felt like Mana’s and Krory’s crying had reminded him of Mana and people were smiling at him, greeting him and keeping him company and making sure he eats enough and he liked not having his stomach clenching from hunger.

He liked being a person with a home.

  _But I am not…I should never have been there…_

“Allen” is a ghost of man. Wandering the world, never seen, never heard, only on a mission to fulfil his promise. Forming attachments hadn’t been part of that. Not after Mana—

“You’re thinking of something stupid again, aren’t you?”

“Shut up, at least I’m thinking. What are you going to do? Pull out your sword again to cut our problems into pieces?”

Kanda’s scowl morphs into a smirk and Allen blames the stress, the chaos of thoughts for his slip in tongue. The Akuma are gone, he can’t feel their presence lurking any more than he can feel Nea’s and it’s a small comfort.

“Bean Sprout.”

“What?” _I know what I said, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try to delay talking about it._

Kanda seems to know, judging from his frown. They’re walking aimless among the road, the sound of their boots crunching the only noise aside from the soft breeze that carries the singing of birds to them. Allen takes a deep breath, smelling the air, listening to the wind.

“Start talking already. We haven’t gotten all day.”

“How sensitive of you.”

Allen says through gritted teeth, resisting the urge to sigh as he looks ahead. He can’t look at Kanda, who’d pick up on the mess inside his head with the tactfulness of Lavi trying to chat up a woman. Speaking of Lavi, Allen couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen him…

“Is that the way you should be asking anyone for personal information?”

“No,” Kanda sounds less impatient, though his voice is still gruff. “But you’re stalling, Sprout. You were the one who wanted me to listen, I can’t do that if you don’t open your trap and start talking.”

“Now, you’re listening to me?!”

Allen snaps, tearing his gaze away form the road to glare at Kanda, who grunts.

“I’m willing to listen if you actually say something smart or useful. All I have been hearing is your stubbornness. I told you, I’m going to help you, why won’t that get into your thick head?”

_Help me?_

Allen thinks with a scoff, but when he glances up at Kanda again, he sees it. He sees the frustration in burrowed brows, the upside-down smile, in the flashing emotions in those dark eyes and his bitterness fades.

“I don’t see the point in telling you about my story if you’re going to leave.”

It’s the truth. The inevitable and Allen’s an idiot too, for believing for a second time that it would last. It won’t, it never has. If he knows anything at all, it would be that nothing can be forever, everything has a limit.

_Except my suffering._

“Then why did you tell me to listen?”

_Why did you want to talk?_

Allen hears the unspoken question and frowns as he stops. They’re on familiar ground now, the place where the circus has been burnt down, he recognizes.

_„I’ll be by your side, you know? That’s the reason why I left the church, so that I could be by your side.”_

_Because for a single moment I believed my own words to be true. That you would stick with me till the end. I believed yours. That I won’t have to be alone. But all I am is a liar._

“Johnny was right. You’re only a scared child and you’re stupider than I thought.”

**_I am back…I made it back! I was so scared!_ **

**_Thank god._ **

**_It made me realize how terrified I was of being all alone._ **

Kanda doesn’t see the fist hurling for his face coming. Allen feels the satisfying crack of a bone breaking on his hand and that is all it takes for a brawl to start.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” His cheek stings.

“Like hell I will, you damned Bean Sprout!” Kanda’s cheekbone starts to turn yellow.

“You don’t know anything! Why can’t you leave me alone?” His lip burns, Kanda’s got a scratch from his nails on his cheek.

“Because you don’t want that!”

Kanda shouts, eyes wild and furious and Allen doesn’t try to throw him off from his place pinned into the dirt. Hair a mess, they’re both breathing heavily and despite the way his body stings, Kanda avoided hitting him in the stomach. The hold on his wrist is tight but not painful and Allen can feel his eyes sting.

“And?”

Because denying it now would be a lie Timothy would be able to see through.

“And?”

 Kanda echoes, face tight before he shakes Allen by his collar.

“It matters, idiot. It matters to Johnny, it matters to Lenalee and the others and it fucking matters to _me_ , you selfless little shit. You don’t want to be alone yet you’re going off on your own to pull reckless stunts. Fuck that. You’re not getting rid of me. Get that through your thick head and pull yourself together.”

Kanda lets go of him to stand. Allen bites his lips as his stomach clenches and he winces.

“I…I can’t get up,” Allen’s voice is nothing but a whisper after a minute of silence. He stares at the ground as he holds his stomach. “Too hungry to move.”

He expects a lot of things. For Kanda to scream at him. Call him an idiot and drag him by his collar or to leave him there to get some food.

What he doesn’t expect is for him to crouch down, pull Allen’s arm over his shoulder before he stands, lifting Allen up into a piggy back ride.

“Idiotic Bean Sprout,” Kanda says as he sets to walk, securing his hold on Allen. “Try anything and I’ll drop you.”

An empty warning. Allen blinks through the curtain of hair in his face. Kanda is warm, warmer than the average person.

“Why?”

_Why would you go so far for me? Why would you help me? Why me?_

“You know why.”

Kanda walks at a steady pace. Careful not to jostle Allen too much and his next words make Allen burst into tears.

“We’re here, Bean sprout.”

_“I am here, Allen.”_

An ugly sob escapes his throat and Kanda pauses at the noise, body growing tense. He can feel the panic in the tension of the muscles but can’t bring himself to care about it.

“Shit, hang on, are you crying? Why are you crying?!”

Allen takes a deep breath, throat tightening. He’s crying, tears falling freely, body shaking. But Kanda wouldn’t understand what he means, so he tightens his grip around his neck and buries his face into the shoulder.

“I am sorry.”

“Tsk,” Kanda begins to walk again. “Don’t tell me that, say that to Johnny instead, stupid Bean Sprout.”

“I will,” Allen says between small sobs as he lowers his voice, he begins to talk. “This place…that tree—I never had anyone before Mana…”

He talks about Mana. About the circus. Far and between, he admits to the lack of pieces in his memories. When he stops for a minute to breathe, Kanda doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t complain when things don’t make sense.

He only listens until Allen falls asleep on his back.


End file.
